that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
