Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
