I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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