I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
