Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
