Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
