he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
