so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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