3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
