worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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