My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
