She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
