3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
