Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
