She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
