In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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