i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
