I'm eating all of the evidence.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
