You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
There's always time for handjobs
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
