One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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