Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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