even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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