Duck Duck Cougar?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
