i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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