he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
