the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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