I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
