I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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