Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
