how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
