filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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