last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
