So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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