I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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