i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
