i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
