I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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