I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
