What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
