genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
