What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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