The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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