hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
