Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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