I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
