I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
