1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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