Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
