Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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