So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
