Fuck appropriateness.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
