i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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